


If You Were a Fruit, You'd be a FINEapple

by Daphnean



Series: Soo Saptember [17]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Fluff, M/M, Pick-Up Lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 13:41:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16019099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daphnean/pseuds/Daphnean
Summary: Sehun is incessant. Joonmyun is weak for food and pathetically single. One pick-up line to a stranger won't turn out so bad, right?





	If You Were a Fruit, You'd be a FINEapple

Joonmyun watched as the ice in his drink clinked against the glass, the last of his bourbon a faint gold at the bottom. Sehun was still nursing his pretty violet cocktail, brow raised as he waited for him to respond. Rather than answer, he took to watching the pianist on stage, still playing out smooth jazz to accompany their evening.

“Hyung.” Sehun sat his glass down and started tapping his fingers against the lacquered table instead, not matching the tempo of the music at all. “What’s one date gonna do?”

Letting his own glass rest on the table once again, Joonmyun massaged his temple with one hand. “Sehunnie, it’s just a waste of time. I’m too busy-”

“You’re giving me your whole evening right now. You do every week. Make it every other week and see someone then.” Sehun crossed his arms. “Try again.”

Agitation simmered just beneath the white collar of his shirt, humid and uncomfortable. “It could end poorly and we both get hurt.”

“You make risky mergers and decisions at your job every day. Tomorrow you could tank a company.” Sehun smirked, proud at his rebuttal. “But yet your own happiness isn’t worth a little gamble?”

“Sehun.” Exasperated, Joonmyun finished off the last of his drink before replying. “I have research and teams of people to help me not make “risky” ventures. It’s all well-thought out and analyzed.”

Not detoured, Sehun took a sip of his drink as well. “And you have Baekhyun and I to help you do the same with any prospects you grow interested in. Hyung, I’m a lawyer. You aren’t going to win this.”

Joonmyun frowned at his glass. Going over to the bar for another drink or flagging down a waitress didn’t seem appealing, so he popped a piece of ice into his mouth instead. The crunch helped him work out the frustration he was feeling towards his friend. “And where do you expect me to go? Grindr?”

Sehun laughed, looking all too pretty as he sat his drink down and eyed him seriously. “We’re at a bar, hyung. Look around and make a choice.”

“And what would I say?” Joonmyun gave his friend a look, tired of this song and dance game they played each week. “Sorry, I’m a desperate old man. I’ve been single for seven years and my friends told me to talk to you?”

That got another laugh, Sehun shaking his head. “How about a pick-up line?”

“Oh yes, that would go over beautifully.” Joonmyun leaned back into his chair, loosening his tie just enough to let the cool air under his collar. “Do people really use those anymore?”

Sehun was silent, which was more alarming than his words if Joonmyun was honest. “I’ll sweeten the deal. You go use a pick-up line on a guy at the bar and I buy dinner for us next week. At Oswald’s. Offer stands whether you leave with a date or not. But if you do...you have to tell me I was right and swallow up some of that pride.”

Damn him and his acute knowledge of Joonmyun’s weaknesses. Oswald’s wasn’t cheap and happened to be his favorite restaurant in the city. It was usually his birthday treat, hardly ever something he was so blasé in purchasing outside of that (even if he could afford to do so). All he had to do was possibly mortify himself in front of a stranger he’d likely never see again.

Sehun’s smirk was handsome on his face, even with the clout of smugness that radiated from him as he stopped the waitress for another cocktail. “Well?”

Joonmyun held out his hand, used to too many deals at work to seal the prospect with anything less. “At least I can eat away my misery.”

“You’re gonna be eating crow instead, trust me.” Sehun’s smirk was now a full-blown grin. “Go get ‘em, hyung.”

It was at this point that Joonmyun realized he didn’t even know any bad pick-up lines. Not any that weren’t so disgusting that he worried he couldn’t even say them aloud. The first one that came to mind was “did it hurt when you fell from heaven,” which was so cringe-incuding he internally winced just thinking about it.

He pulled out his phone, waiting for Sehun’s snarky retort, but the other man seemed fairly engrossed on the stage instead. A couple of google searches later, and he had his line. With an exaggerated exhale, he stood. “I hope you’re satisfied, Sehunnie.”

“Very.” Sehun didn’t even look back at him. “Dinner’s going to be twice as delicious, with your admission as an appetizer.”

Grumbling, Joonmyun moved over towards the bar and scanned his prospects. There was the bartender, who was cute, but didn’t seem his type. Plus it was likely his job to flirt back with customers for tips, so Sehun wouldn’t couldn’t that as a victory or loss proper; lawyers and their loopholes. There was a couple at the right side of the bar and along the left and middle were two others, both men. The guy at the far end of the bar was a bit older, a touch of silver along his hairline near his ears, and the slightest hint of stubble along his jaw. He was handsome, but not quite as approachable as the second man.

Seated just a few seats down from the center of the bar was the target of his terrible pick-up line, then. The man had strong brows, a nearly empty glass, and his expression far off as he watched the pianist. His black dress shirt was undone near the top, no tie or jacket nearby and he seemed to be tracing the rim of his glass with a lazy finger.

Joonmyun wished he had one last bit of his drink to burn through, but he mustered up the strength to slide into the seat next to the man. “Excuse me, but do you know how much a polar bear weighs?”

Turning his attention to him, Joonmyun was momentarily taken aback by how striking the other man was in the dim light of the bar. Full lips, round eyes, and a gorgeous jawline were all wrought with momentary confusion. “Male or female?”

That had not been the expected response, so eventually he stammered out “male” as his brain did a panicked scramble as to figure out what to do next.

The man was now on his phone, brows knit in concentration, before turning back to Joonmyun. “It would weigh somewhere between seven hundred and seventy pounds and a thousand five hundred pounds. Approximately.”

“Enough to break the ice.” Joonmyun finished lamely, not sure what else he could say.

It took a long moment for the realization to dawn upon the man beside him, but eventually he just shook his head. “Actually, if that was the case, wouldn’t they not be able to survive in the arctic?”

Joonmyun laughed, bringing his hand up to cover his mouth. “I was...I mean, you’re probably right, but I just...was trying to use a pick-up line on you. That’s where I’d extend my hand and introduce myself.”

His conversation partner took a sip of his drink. “By asking random mammal trivia? You’re a strange man.”

“It’s a pretty common tactic.” Inexplicably charmed, he held out his hand anyways. “I’m Joonmyun.”

To his surprise, the man took it, fingers cold from his glass. “Kyungsoo. So who dared you to do this?”

Joonmyun used his free hand to point back with his thumb to where Sehun sat. “My friend. How’d you know?”

“You seem like a wine and dine kind of guy, I guess. Hardly the sort to use a middle-school attempt at a date.” Kyungsoo let go of his hand, running his fingers through his hair instead. “You’re lucky you’re cute or I probably would have told you to fuck off.”

Joonmyun knew his cheeks had gone pink. “I...you think I’m cute?”

“Even with the pick-up lines.” He chuckled, sipping at his drink again. “So now that you’ve broken the ice, how are you gonna sell yourself to me.”

That was a loaded question. Joonmyun was thankful when the bartender came over, so he could order something else. His throat felt dry. “Seeing as I don’t even know how to sell me to myself, that’s a pretty tall order.”

“Fair enough.” Kyungsoo nodded along. “I guess I can throw out some basics. I’m twenty-four, I work here as a singer, just finished my shift actually, and I haven’t dated in two years.”

Kyungsoo was very straight-forward, honest, and oddly it was appealing. Joonmyun liked the timbre of his voice, the way he was direct with his responses. “I’m twenty-seven, I work in international acquisitions at Kim and Wu, and I have been single for almost a decade.”

That response got a faint whistle. “And Chanyeol makes fun of me. You seem handsome enough. What sort of dirty secrets do you have that scare off prospects?”

“Probably the pick-up lines.” Joonmyun chuckled. “And the workweek. I go overseas a lot too.”

Kyungsoo nodded once again, expression thoughtful. “I think I could work with that.”

Heart stuttering in his chest, Joonmyun found his smile had become unnaturally blinding. “I...really?”

“Sure.” Kyungsoo finished off his drink, turning to face him. “No one’s approached me so creatively without the express intent just to climb into my pants for a while now, and worst thing that could happen is that I end up with a good meal and single still.”

Sehun was never going to let him live this down. “I can give you my number?”

As they exchanged phones, Kyungsoo tapped his lip once he finished typing his in. “You’re the one with the tricky schedule. When would work for you?”

Joonmyun, reeling, managed to find his words once again. “Thursdays.”

“I get off at five.” Kyungsoo’s smile when full was gorgeous, resembling a heart. “We could meet here?”

“I’ll pick you up.” Joonmyun took his drink once the bartender slid it to him.

Kyungsoo’s eyes sparkled with mischief. “No lines this time?”

Laughing, Joonmyun slid off of the barstool. “Not unless you ask for them.”

“Tell your friend I said thanks. See you Thursday, Joonmyun.” Kyungsoo tipped his drink to him as a goodbye.

Almost delirious with his success, and how handsome Kyungsoo had been like a tidal wave crashing down on him, Joonmyun felt like he was walking on clouds as he made his way back over to Sehun. If his friend had been grinning before, his expression now was absolutely wild with the glory of his success. It had to be obvious, then, just how well the conversation went.

“You were right.” Joonmyun fell back into his seat, taking a long drink as if it would bring him some sort of clarity. “God, you were so right, Sehun.”

Sehun was on his second cocktail, smirking around the rim of the glass. “Kyungsoo’s cute, yeah. I had a feeling you’d like him.”

Kyungsoo. Suddenly Joonmyun sat his glass onto the table, eyes narrowing. “You didn’t.”

“Hyung, it’s my favorite bar in the city. Of course I know all the musicians. And also that Kyungsoo was single and the only option at the bar you’d like currently.” Sehun took another drink, smug expression still strong on his features.

“You cheated.” Joonmyun crossed his arms.

Sehun shrugged. “I stacked the odds, but there was a possibility it wouldn’t have worked. What are you going to do about it? Turn him down?”

Joonmyun looked back at Kyungsoo, still radiant as he sat at the bar, then turned his attention back to his friend. “No. But...give me your card.”

“My...card?” It was Sehun’s turn to be puzzled, but he reached into his wallet just the same.

“A business card. Next time my company is in legal trouble, we’re only hiring you from now on.” Joonmyun twisted the card in his fingers, smile wry. “You’re too good. Oh, and we’re going to have to save Oswald’s for the week after next. I have a date.”

**Author's Note:**

> With Joonmyun's affinity with dad jokes and puns, I knew that I had to give this prompt to him. It was hard to choose just which of the terrible pick-up lines in the world to use, but I went with my personal favorite. I really had fun with this one, especially with Sehun. 
> 
> EXO and all other Kpop entertainers presented here are real people and so I remind you that this is just a fic, like a play with their stage personas as the actors. This is not intended to be a representation of who these men and women are or are not. Remember to love and respect them always. And thanks for reading! <3


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